Valentine’s Day 2018

I realized something today. Valentine’s Day is coming up. If you are in a relationship, it is the worst day of the year. But for people like me, it is the greatest day. Not only is it a stress-free day in which I don’t have to buy a gift for anyone (saving money). But it is also a day that I’m expected to do nothing. Me being in my pajamas all day and watching TV is what everyone wants me to do.

“What are you doing for Valentine’s Day?”


“Oh good.”

If you have plans on Valentine’s Day and are single, people are so confused.

“Any plans for Valentine’s Day?”

“Yea, I’m going to a movie.”


Then you say, “You’re right, I should stay home in my sweat pants. No one is trying to pump me full of chocolate and rich food and then have sex with me.” I should celebrate! It’s the best day of the year. Christmas gets close, but it’s too expensive.

I look forward to Valentine’s Day every year. This year is extra special, because, not many of you will know this, but Valentine’s Day is also Ash Wednesday this year. And if you aren’t Catholic, Ash Wednesday is a big day. You go to church. Repent. And I mean repent like you have never repented before. And then they put dirt on your face. It’s a very weird thing. I’ve never done it. I’m not Catholic. I have studied it for years though. But I can just imagine all the romantic things people will say sitting across from the dinner table.

“Your face looks so dirty tonight!”

“You look good covered in soot.”

“That soot is going to look good on my pillow. Assuming this food doesn’t give us the runs.”

“We are going to need to go back to the church tomorrow to repent some more. Or to the pharmacy for more Pepto.”

“Soot suits you.”

“I know you can’t eat meat on Friday, but how about tonight?”

If a guy, or girl, uses one of these, you know they are the one because they read my blog. You’re welcome. These are some of the things that make this Valentine’s Day special. There are other things. Like this is probably the last year for America. Or the excitement of running from Nazis again. What a great time to celebrate this romantic day.

I got to see John Mulaney perform last night. It was really amazing, of course. I think he might be the Jerry Seinfeld of my generation. It might be premature to say that, but it’s definitely 100% true. He compares Trump being in the White House to a horse being in a hospital. And I want someone to write that down somewhere. It needs to be the only thing that survives the human race. The aliens will be looking at this record and say, “How much acid was this human on?! A horse in a hospital, IMPOSSIBLE!” We need to go through all the newspapers and change Trump to horse and White House to hospital and make this happen. We will probably go down in flames, but goddammit we are going to give those future aliens a laugh. I think that is also the slogan for SNL this year.

The only thing I like about Valentine’s Day is Galentine’s Day, which is the day before and, like Valentine’s, includes a lot of eating and drinking, but doesn’t include the relationship. So, you get all the good things with none of the bad. Perfect day. And then, the next day, you get to lay in your bed and (let’s see what’s a random activity) watch BTS videos. Because as everyone knows, BTS gives you all the heart fluttering feelings but with no human contact. It’s amazing.

If you are reading this for tips about what to do for Valentine’s Day, you are in the wrong place. I know nothing, but I’ll try to give some…

I ate at Ada Street, it was very good. Maybe go there. When you walk in it seems almost dungeon-like, but it’s nice once you get in there. They have great drinks too. Or Chipotle.

… Let’s see. What else?

A gift? Maybe some nice sweatpants, that way it seems like you’re encouraging the other person to be more comfortable. But they have to be the good ones. Adidas or better. My dream gift is just a note that says it’s okay to fart in front of this person. So, maybe that. Or one of those wine glasses that can’t fall over. Those are cool.

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