I went to the doctor again, today. If you didn’t hear about the first time, that means you don’t follow me on Twitter (if that’s true, what are you even doing here).
So I went to the doctor. After a serious of pointing and facial expressions to explain my back is Ow, they did a spinal x-ray. A man laid me down on the x-ray machine and carefully placed me in the right position (it involved a lot of touching). He took my x-ray.
Then came another ten minutes of pointing, facial expressions, and spinal models. It included: “This, bad.” “You need pills.” “Physical therapy.” “Too close.”
(Loosely translated it means, the vertebrae in my back are too close so I need pills for the pain and physical therapy every week.)
Then I was led into another room. No information. Just following the nurses to a small room. She pulled out a giant needle and made the motion to pull down my pants. That was unexpected.
Then I was led through the kitchen of a lobster restaurant to the physical therapy area. This time I was laid down by a female nurse, so less fun, unto a vibrating bed. The room had wallpaper ripped off part of the wall. I assume it was done by a patient in extreme pain. Or a wild animal they let loose in there occasionally. I stayed there for about 20 minutes of the bed vibrating. When it stopped, I tried to leave but the nurses wouldn’t let me. They forced me back into the room and applied suction cups to my back for massaging. And it felt wrong.
But after awhile, it felt kind of nice. When it was over, I tried to leave again. But no. It’s not time yet. They still had to apply lotion to my back and keep me under a food heater for ten minutes. I felt like a pizza—hot and covered in large red circles.
Finally I got to leave, through the kitchen again and back into the world. That’s it. That’s my whole doctor story.
Now for my favorite part, let’s add how much I have spent on doctor’s visits this week.
Regular doctor: $5
Prescription from regular doctor: $3
Regular doctor, again: $3
More prescriptions: $3
Orthopedic doctor (x-rays and physical therapy): $9
Prescription from orthopedic doctor: $2
This is how healthcare should be.