My Personal Ad

After receiving baby formula samples in the mail to “anticipate my needs as a mother,” I realized I should get cracking. I am 22 after all, that’s like 45 in the Deep South. So I decided to release this personal ad, but I wanted to post it here because I’m nervous about it.


for baby-making (Baby formula provided)

Attention men ready to be a baby daddy: Please be the Ben to my Leslie!

I’m your typical clumsy girl from a middle class family—I’ve forgotten clothes on numerous occasions. I received an amazing education from the cheapest university in America. And don’t worry about my huge nose or forehead, as I’ve gotten bangs to fix the problem. I also got glasses to magnify my beady eyes for your enjoyment.

No need to worry about me with other men as I live in Korea and am invisible to everyone on the peninsula. My co-workers still think I’m a ghost.

I love animals! I even jumped, not fell, into a lake to give bread to a duck. I also enjoy eating like a dog so I can feel closer to my pooch. Along with my love for animals, I have an incredible singing voice. I was elected the greatest singer at a table of five to compete, and I went on to win the contest completely out of pity. Just picture me singing our baby to sleep!

And if you aren’t sold already, I’m also funny. I come up with my own original jokes and come backs to keep you laughing. I also do slapstick comedy! On my 7th birthday, I beat a girl with a bat during a game of Pinata. It really killed.

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